Ever since I did an exercise about finding my 4 words (thanks to Allison Nazarian and Elizabeth Potts-Weinstein), I’ve been pondering what I uncovered.
Looking back on my One Burning Question post, I feel uncomfortable with saying “mommy on the net”. Why? Because so many of the women I thought of as I wrote that post are professional women, and it might have sounded as though I were infantilizing them. That was not my intent.
Nurturing – that is what I do, what I aspire to do and what I have taught myself to do.
As many folks my age, I grew up in a seriously dysfunctional family. Both of my parents were alcoholics and teachers. Teachers who invariably put their students ahead of their own children. Talk about abandonment issues. . . My mother left my father on my 18th birthday for one of her students, a girl a year younger than me. And no one said a word.
Fast forward some 25 years and you see me pregnant with the daughter who will turn 28 in August. I had no idea how to mother her. I felt constantly inadequate, lost and forlorn. Somehow we survived.
Another five years and the daughter who will be 23 in June arrives. I have somewht of a grip, but. . . The on-going support of La Leche League was critical to my children’s intact survival.
A few months after her birth I discover Adult Children of Alcoholics. Total eye opener. No joke – I cried through the whole first meeting. I finally had validation that I was NOT crazy. The things that happened in my family were not normal; most families did not live this way.
My third daughter (DD20) was born while I was in a small therapy group that was an ACoA offshoot. At one point, we did an exercise where we had to write and share our opinions of one another. I was stunned and amazed to find that these people saw me as a devoted mother, a nurturer, and an example of good parenting. It did not match my self-concept at all.
This morning I skimmed through “Women Encouraging Women”, a book I was packaging to sell. I found myself within its pages. This is what I’ve trained my whole life to do. This is my right livelihood.
As we are no longer connected to a body of believers, and since I rarely leave home, at the moment, I do not know what will happen next. But I now know that the ‘audience of one’ for whom and to whom I am writing is you.
I am here to help you to become your best and truest self for the glory of the God I serve. All I can do is listen, reflect back to you what I hear you say, and then ask a few questions. It doesn’t even matter if you are a believer or not, this is between Him and me.
I can only be transparent and hope that I exhibit something you want.