By the Grace of God, I am who I am – and by God’s mercy, I am no longer who I was.
Last night I was cleaning out a box and came across a xerox of a song my girls used to sing in church, “For Those Tears I Died”. I couldn’t quite place the song, so I you-tubed it. And the tears gushed. I looked at the xerox they had separated into parts. Each verse carefully chosen for the particular girl to sing. It hurt so very much.
I moved on, on you-tube, to one of the songs that has been ME ever since I first heard it, “Thank You Lord, For Your Blessings On Me”. As I rocked back and forth, crying and aching, I understood exactly what it was that I missed, the FAMILY feeling that I experienced when we first attended our church in WV. The Grace of God (that teaches nothing that we do or don’t do can or will change how much God loves us) and not the Judgment of God (that says “A good Christian shouldn’t/doesn’t/mustn’t. . .). I know that I cannot go back and recreate that experience, as much as I would like to. And that hurts. So much.
At the moment I am reading My Utmost for His Highest for my daily devotions. I used my Bible, doing Proverbs and Psalms, for the first couple of months this year. I need some kind of disciplined daily devos, because otherwise I wander too far afield.
I KNOW He loves me. I KNOW He longs to comfort and soothe me. The void I feel is the space formerly filled by my family worshipping together, hearing my daughter play the piano, hearing my three girls singing together, listening to my husband preach.
Sadly, there is no church I know of that I could attend, nor my husband. And far less any of my girls, and definitely not their mates.